Kirklees Council Admit England’s Semi Final Defeat will affect Local Footpaths

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A public footpath in Kirklees

The hopes of a nation died in extra time last night as Croatia dumped a plucky England side out of the world cup. Kirklees Council admitted this morning the result will have dire consequences for public rights of way in the district.

The Council’s Strategic Director of Make Believe, Cinderella Grimbottom, told the blog that all hopes of future well signed,waymarked and maintained paths vanished with England’s defeat. Ms Grimbottom explained  “Kirklees had picked up on reports of fairies carrying out work on paths near Holmfirth due to a mysterious and poorly understood psychic phenomenon last seen in 1966. Obviously this was a great opportunity to get something for nothing so myself and the Council’s Mythical Creatures Liaison Officer  took the first flight to La La Land to meet the fairies as the semi final took place.”

“Negotiations got off to a very positive start with Trippier’s superb free kick and England’s positive first half performance. Although my Mythical Creatures Liaison Officer did raise her concerns about Harry Kane’s missed chances and our slender half time lead.”

When asked what went wrong Ms Grimbottom told us “No one could blame John Stones for the state of Kirklees public rights of way but he did switch off for the Croatian winner. Sadly when Mandzukic made it 2-1 the psychic link with the fairies vanished along with the hopes of our great footballing nation and of course our detailed plan for maintaining rights of way in Kirklees”

Ms Grimbottom admitted the Council were running out of ideas.”Following the failure of our original plans to use volunteers on footpath work, and now losing the fairies who won’t be available for another 4 years at least (the Euros don’t have the same effect – Ed) things are looking bleak for rights of way” she said. “We were very surprised that the public didn’t fancy working 40 hours a week,paying taxes and then doing our jobs for nothing on a weekend” confided Ms Grimbottom “We really thought that idea was the way forward but we just couldn’t sell it to the public for some reason”

When asked what the Council would do next Ms Grimbottom went on to say “With the help of the Red Cross,Sports Direct and Greggs we are bringing in emergency measures today. Around 70% of the Kirklees population is already overweight so the Council have decided to concentrate on the remaining 30% who will be provided with 2 pairs of extra large elasticated waistband tracksuit bottoms and two extra extra large white T shirts along with a life times supply of 2 for 1 vouchers at Greggs. These items are being dispatched by the Red Cross as  we speak.”

“The measures are designed to disable the healthy 30% of our population to such a degree that walking in the countryside is no longer possible.The need for public rights of way will vanish almost overnight like those bloody fairies”




Path Watch Fairies

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Work of the Path Watch Fairies

There is a legend around these parts of secretive and rarely seen Path Watch Fairies. Said to inhabit the depths of the most overgrown and obstructed public rights of way they are invoked when a certain number of legs have been nettled, clothes snagged on barbed wire and walks abandoned. They say a mysterious connection exists between sightings of the fairies and the England Football Team.

Rumour has it that the Path Watch Fairies have been at work on a nettle infested path near Cartworth Moor. Bernard Rowbottom from Choppards told the blog “it doesn’t mek any sense lad. I walked ‘ome last neet after t’ England game and got nettled t’ death. This mornin’ thee were all gone! Nowt there but a bit of that there fairy dust and the essence of Nobby Stiles side burns”. “Nowt” repeated Bernard staring into the middle distance. “Paths reet as rain now”

“Last time this ‘appened it wor 1966……… “